I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
