She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
