then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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