he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
