Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
