I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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