Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
