My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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