god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
