I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
