Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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