smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
