If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
