I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
