I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
barbara walters just said penis...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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