just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
