Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
