I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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