And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
