Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
