How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
this hospital has no fireball
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
