swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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