i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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