and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
