btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
