Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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