I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
