If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
