i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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