Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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