dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
