strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
