Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
