So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize