I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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