I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
