I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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