i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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