I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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