someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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