I molested 6 butterflies tonight
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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