I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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