Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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