we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
