I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
