you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize