I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
