Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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