My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
