I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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