You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
