I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
