I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
