im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
