she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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