jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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