you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
