Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
