I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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