if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
