Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
