You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
