I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
