on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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