Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
